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One Line Wedding Jokes

  • Many people say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. So, if that's the case, I'd like to ask the husbands amongst you, does that mean it's all downhill from here?
  • A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
  • The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
  • Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
  • Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
    Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
  • Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
  • Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
  • It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!
  • Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
  • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
  • Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
  • Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
  • A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'
  • How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
  • A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
  • The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


Famous Wedding Quotes

  • Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man's habits, and then complain he's not the man she married? - Barbara Streisand
  • Being a husband is a whole-time job. That is why so many husbands fail. They cannot give their entire attention to it - Arnold Bennett
  • 'Grow old along with me, The best is yet to be.' - Robert Burns
  • I'd like to thank you for your presence and thank you for your presents - Steve Harris wedding speech in its entirety.
  • It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can - George Bernard Shaw
  • Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments - Shakespeare
  • A happy bridesmaid makes a happy bride - Tennyson
  • I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy Parker
  • Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
  • Husbands are like fires. They go out if left unattended. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers. Maybe that's why so many mothers cry at weddings! - Jenny Éclair
  • The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine
  • Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
  • Every man should marry - and no woman - Bernjamin Disraeli
  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
  • By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  (Socrates)
  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)
  • All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)




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